you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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