Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
