Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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