dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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