Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
