How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Randomize
