in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.