it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
