We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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