I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.