make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?