I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"