she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
