The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
