i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
