i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
