Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
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