I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Randomize
