Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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