just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
