it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Randomize
