dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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