i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
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did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
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At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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