Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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