were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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