Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
