Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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