I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
