This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
