I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.