I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...