last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
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He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
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My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...