I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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