Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
