Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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