you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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