The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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