I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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