I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
