Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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