found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
