He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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