dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
my sisters under your porch take her home
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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