I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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