It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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