I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
