I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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