Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Randomize
