Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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