just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
