what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
