I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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