Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
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