What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
