just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
You're like the curious george of whores
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
